Bids for Connection — The Tiny Moments That Build or Unbuild Love
Day 4 of the 30-day Relationships Series.
If I had to name a single piece of research that changed how I understand long-term love, it would be the work of John and Julie Gottman on what they call bids for connection.
A bid is any small attempt — a look, a comment, a hand offered, a joke, a sigh — that says "notice me." We make dozens of bids at each other every day, without knowing that is what we are doing. And the way a partner responds to those small bids — turn toward, turn away, or turn against — predicts, with startling accuracy, whether the relationship will still be there in six years.
This is not a metaphor. It is the closest thing we have in relationship science to a hard predictive law.
The 86% vs. 33% Study
In the Gottmans' famous "Love Lab" studies, couples were observed and coded for how often they turned toward each other's bids in ordinary daily interactions. Then they were followed for years.
Couples still married and thriving six years later had turned toward each other's bids about 86% of the time.
Couples divorced or unhappy six years later had turned toward each other's bids only about 33% of the time.
The bids themselves were small. Almost never fights, ultimatums, or grand moments. Just tiny openings.
In other words — the daily temperature of turning toward is what predicts the marriage. Not the vacations. Not the sex. Not the fights. The small stuff most people are not paying attention to.
What a Bid Actually Looks Like
The Gottman Institute lists ten common categories of everyday bids. Most people are surprised how many of these they make and receive in a single evening.
Show interest in my accomplishments.
Share the events of your day with me.
Be affectionate with me.
Join me in an adventure.
Join me in learning something new.
Work on a project with me.
Pay attention to what I say.
Respond to my joke.
Help me relax.
Notice me. Look at me. See me.
A bid can be as small as "look at that bird" from the window. As quiet as a hand resting on the counter next to yours. As easy to miss as a partner walking into the room while you are on your phone.
The Three Possible Responses
Turn toward. You look up. You respond. You engage. Even a small "mm-hmm, cool" counts. This deposits into the relationship.
Turn away. You do not notice. You are on your phone. You do not respond. Not out of malice — just out of distraction. This withdraws.
Turn against. You respond, but with irritation, contempt, or a snap. "Can't you see I am busy?" This corrodes.
Most missed bids in modern relationships are turn-aways, not turn-againsts. Distraction, not cruelty. Which is why phones are one of the primary killers of long-term love — not because anyone is doing anything wrong, but because the phone captures the attention that would otherwise have caught the small bid across the room.
Why This Matters So Much
Because love is not built in big moments. It is built in small ones — thousands of them, running one direction. When the small bids get consistently caught, a nervous system across from you learns "I am seen here." And that felt sense of being seen is what long-term love is made of.
When bids get consistently missed, the same nervous system quietly learns the opposite. "I am invisible here." That is not a decision anyone made. It is a learning that happens automatically over months of small missed turn-toward moments. And it is one of the primary ingredients in the marital drift I described on Day 8.
How to Turn Toward More
Put the phone down when your partner enters the room. Even for thirty seconds. The greeting is the smallest possible bid, and the one most often missed in a technoference era.
Notice tiny openings. "Look at the sunset." "This song, huh." "That's weird." These are all bids. Answer them.
Verbalize even minimal engagement. "Mm." "Yeah." "Really?" These count. Silence does not.
Ask a follow-up question. "What made you think of that?" is a turn-toward on rocket fuel.
When you have missed a bid — and everyone does — repair. "Sorry, I was in my email. What were you saying?" A repaired miss is worth a caught bid.
Look up during meals. Look up when they come home. Look up when they laugh. Looking up is the marriage.
A Note on Being the Bid-Maker
If you are in a relationship where you are the one making most of the bids and your partner is chronically missing them, this is worth naming. Not with a lecture. With a soft, honest conversation. "I have been feeling a little invisible lately. I know I do not always say what I need. But when I say small things, I would love it if you could look up."
Most partners, told this kindly, are startled and grateful for the specificity. Most had no idea. If yours reacts with contempt or dismissal, that is different information — and the Days on contempt, pursue-withdraw, and repair are ahead in this series.
A Note on Individual Nervous Systems
Some of us miss bids because of ADHD, depression, or trauma — not because we do not care. This is worth naming to a partner if it is you. It also means treatment for the underlying condition often improves the marriage in ways the marriage itself could not.
Whole-Person Steps
For one week, notice bids. Yours and theirs. Do not evaluate. Just count.
Practice looking up. Every time your partner walks into the room or says something small.
Put the phone down during the first ten minutes of any reunion — morning, evening, coming home.
Repair missed bids as soon as you notice. "Sorry, I missed that — say it again?"
If your partner chronically misses your bids, name it kindly and specifically. See Day 6 on communication.
If You Are in Utah
At Integrative Mind Body Psychiatry, I look at the whole picture — the biology, the mental health, and the relational rhythms that build long-term love or quietly unbuild it. Telehealth for adults, adolescents, and women in hormonal transitions across Utah. Insurance accepted through Headway (headway.co/providers/beth-makar).
Tomorrow: Day 5 — Rule Out What's Treatable First. The biology beneath most "relationship problems."
This post is educational and is not a substitute for individualized medical, mental-health, or couples-therapy care.
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