Contempt Is the Divorce Predictor
Day 10 of the 30-day Relationships Series.
In John Gottman's decades of research, one behavior stands above all others in its ability to predict divorce. Not anger. Not distance. Not infidelity, though that has its own toll.
Contempt.
Contempt is the single strongest predictor of a marriage ending — and, more disturbingly, the single strongest predictor of the frequency of physical illness in the person receiving it. When you look at your partner with contempt, you are literally making them sick.
It is worth understanding, then, exactly what contempt is — and what to do about it.
What Contempt Is (and Is Not)
Contempt is not anger. Anger says "I do not like what you did." Contempt says "I do not like who you are." Anger is level. Contempt is above.
It is looking down on your partner from a position of moral superiority. It is the eye roll. The heavy sigh at their input. The mocking tone. The sarcastic "oh, great job." The mimicry when they are not looking. The private snickering about them to a friend. The face across the dinner table that says "I cannot believe I married someone this small."
Contempt can be loud. It is more often quiet. It seeps into how you say their name.
Where Contempt Comes From
Contempt is almost never the beginning of the story. It is the end of a long chain of unspoken hurts, unrepaired ruptures, and thousands of small missed bids. It is what happens to admiration when it is not tended to for a long enough time.
Contempt is also what happens when the pursue-withdraw loop of Day 9 has been running for years without any repair. The pursuer becomes contemptuous of the withdrawer's silence. The withdrawer becomes contemptuous of the pursuer's intensity. Both feel entirely justified.
It is also what happens when one partner has been treated with contempt by their own family of origin. We do to our spouses what was done to us until we notice and stop.
Why Contempt Corrodes
Contempt makes the other person defensive. Defensiveness prevents repair. Preventing repair makes the ruptures accumulate.
Contempt tells the receiver that their whole being is unwelcome — not just this action, but them as a person. That is a wound the nervous system does not forget.
Contempt weakens the immune function of the partner receiving it. This is not metaphor. It has been measured.
Contempt is contagious. Children raised by contemptuous parents learn to use contempt themselves.
Contempt cannot coexist with love in the same look. One of them wins.
Unlearning Contempt
The antidote to contempt is not being nicer. It is deliberate, repeated practice of admiration. Actively noticing what is good about your partner. Speaking it out loud. Refusing to let the small daily contempt reflex win.
Every day, name one thing you actually respect about your partner. Out loud, to them. If this feels impossible right now, you are further into the pattern than you thought.
Notice your face. The eye roll is a habit. It is also a decision. Interrupt it once, and it becomes a decision you know how to make.
Stop talking about your partner contemptuously to your friends, your mother, your sister. Every one of those conversations reinforces the pattern in your own brain.
Repair. When you notice contempt in yourself — "that comment I just made was contemptuous" — say so. "That came out contemptuous and I do not want to be that person. I am sorry." This changes the marriage.
Do the individual work of noticing what feelings sit underneath the contempt. Almost always — hurt, disappointment, or fear. Contempt is armor. Naming what is under the armor lets it soften.
A Word If You Are on the Receiving End
You are not imagining it. Contempt does not have to be extreme to be damaging. If you have started to feel small, dismissed, chronically criticized, or like an eyeroll away from a fight most days, you are living inside a corrosive pattern.
You are allowed to name it. "That felt contemptuous, and I need you to know it lands as small." You are allowed to expect that it stops. And if it does not — with real effort, over time, sometimes with a therapist — you are allowed to leave. Contempt that will not soften is the one pattern in this series I do not tell people to keep tolerating.
Whole-Person Steps
Ask yourself honestly — is there contempt in my face when I look at my partner? In my voice when I say their name?
Name one thing you admire about them out loud, today.
Interrupt the eye roll. Once. Then again. It is a habit. Habits change.
Stop bad-mouthing your partner to your family or friends. That conversation is not helping.
If contempt is chronic in either direction, get to a Gottman- or EFT-trained couples therapist. This is the pattern that will not survive without help.
If You Are in Utah
At Integrative Mind Body Psychiatry, I take the whole picture seriously — the biology, the mental health, and the relationships that shape both. Telehealth for adults, adolescents, and women in hormonal transitions across Utah. Insurance accepted through Headway (headway.co/providers/beth-makar).
Tomorrow: Day 11 — The Six-Second Kiss and Other Small Things That Rebuild.
This post is educational and is not a substitute for individualized medical, mental-health, or couples-therapy care.
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